


The Only Thing

by lonelynightmare



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Hurt No Comfort, I'm Sorry, M/M, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-12 23:54:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29767545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lonelynightmare/pseuds/lonelynightmare
Summary: James gets a letter, Regulus remebers.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Regulus Black/James Potter
Comments: 4
Kudos: 27





	The Only Thing

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from a Sufjan Stevens song, The Only Thing... It´s really good, give it a listen. This is also so fucking bad, I apologize for writing it ://.

Regulus Black knew today was the day. It was September 5th, 1979 and he was ready. He had prepared for so long, nothing could go wrong today. He finished writing that damned letter, he knew better not to send. Kreacher reluctantly agreed to send it, and they were off.

It was harder to complete than he imagined, but he did it. He was brave for once, and the only person he wished to tell, thought it never to be possible. 

He felt the things touch him, and he knew. He knew he wasn't making it home. If he did, he may have even actually paid James a visit, to tell him how brave he was for him. But it didn't matter now. 

He was being pulled down. He thought he heard Kreacher scream, but the water muted it almost completely. He didn't fight it anymore. Heroes weren't supposed to give up, James has said to him once. A hero. What does that even mean? He knew for sure that he wasn't one of them, even if James had tried to convince him. I was all such a long time ago. 

He couldn't think straight, he knew this was it. Was death supposed to feel this cold?   
And then there it was.

He thought of when he first got his Hogwarts letter, how happy he was to finally join his brother. Then his sorting, oh how he begged the hat for Slytherin so that his mother and father would be happy with him. Only if they could see him now. His first friend, his first crush, his first. James and him laughing after a Quidditch match. James and him on their first Hogsmeade trip, that day in the forest, the waterfall, Potter's cottage, the astronomy tower. James smiling at him, kissing him, laughing. James, James, James... 

This part of his life felt like a dream he once had. It was hard to think it was real after it was lost. 

He thought of their last argument, how he desperately wanted to say what he meant, what he had to do. What was expected, and that James could never understand. He felt so betrayed then. 

Dead, cold hands pulling on his forearm met what he had to. He knew he was too far gone when his mother beamed after he agreed. She even smiled after it was done.  
He now laughed at his childish need to please his mother. If he could choose again, he would run back to James in a heartbeat. He imagined it so many times, he sometimes thought he really did. Except he didn´t, and now he was here. 

There was no more air left in his lungs, no light coming from the surface now. 

He was all alone again. Wishing one last time, for time to change back and let him keep what he once thought was destined to end. 

But time stayed in place, as it always does, and Regulus closed his eyes.

*  
*  
*

A cold September night found James Potter unable to fall asleep. 

He knew something was wrong. Terribly wrong. A wrenching pit had formed in his stomach, half expecting Death Eaters to barge in at any moment. When he heard a soft knock on his window, wand drawn, he found an all too familiar owl carrying a letter.  
He petted the owl on his head, as he had done many times, all those years ago. Carefully looking over the envelope the owl brought, he observed its simplicity. Only the words James Potter were scribbled down, in beautiful penmanship he immediately recognized. Unsure of what to think, he opened the letter. 

He read through it twice, thrice, and then finally put it down. He was sure he would never forget the words it read. 

James, 

I tried to be brave then, and I couldn´t. I´d like to think I am being brave now. I could never be like you, or like my brother. My thoughts are a bit smudged right now, as I am about to attempt something utterly stupid. What I´m meaning to say is, I have instructed Kreacher to send this letter if something bad has happened to me. Something bad as in, I died. 

I realize you have moved on, dating Evans and whatnot. But please, let me say this to you, one last time. 

There aren't words in which I could say how thankful I am, even now, for you and for what we had. It all felt like a dream to me, and I always knew it was.   
Remember that day in 6th year? When you first said I love you? I couldn't believe my luck. it was the happiest day of my life, no forget that. Every day I spent with you was the happiest.   
I lied then, to myself, to you. When I said we could do it all together, to have it all. But we couldn´t and I think we both knew that in the end. I will never stop regretting my last words to you, and even though I didn't actually mean them, I said them still. 

I couldn't do the right thing then, for I was too scared. I had too much to lose. I had you. 

Now, facing death, I can only wish for your forgiveness. 

I think I have always loved you, since the day my brother introduced us on the train, With your shiny eyes and laugh so bright I thought the light would swallow me. And I love you still, my brave lion. I´m finally not afraid to be like you, James. 

My dying wish will be to see you again, once more. 

I´m afraid I can't stall any longer. Tell Sirius everything is forgiven. I´ll be waiting for him, but he's not to hurry. 

With love,   
R.A.B.

James didn't speak for a long while and only moved to rummage the cabinets for a bottle of whiskey. He sat down on a couch, which greatly resembled the one from the Gryffindor common room, and stood in front of his fireplace, and read the letter again. His heart gave out, his lower lip trembled and he couldn´t pretend any longer. 

*  
*  
*

When Lily Evans came home after a girl's night at Marlene´s, she found her boyfriend screaming and wailing at an empty wall, an almost finished bottle of whiskey next to him, and a letter was thrown in the fireplace, with no fire lit.


End file.
